Coffee Stories: Choosing a Book by the Cover (and the messy nature of Grief)
For this sit-down I was fortunate enough to interview an incredible woman (who has chosen to remain anonymous) who has been through the ringer over the past few years when it comes to loss. As with most complex emotions, neither the predictable or the sudden unexpected versions are particularly easy to deal with, regardless of the wider circumstances or support network.
She kindly agreed to talk about the concept of grief in our current society, as well as how she personally has approached traditions and heritage as one means of keeping her loved ones memories close.
And if you are struggling with loss or loneliness, especially during circumstances like the ones we currently find ourselves in, please consider reaching out to speak to someone. Despite lockdowns and pandemics, there are very much resources available to provide support, tools and perhaps even just another human to listen to your thoughts (including free and safely remote or socially distanced options) - for some links to these, please see the bottom of the page.
Q. Hello and thank you so much for taking part, especially when it comes to such a unique and sensitive topic that we - as a society - don’t always talk enough ebout.
A few years ago you kindly gifted me with something so much more than a book for my birthday. The inscription inside told the story of a tradition passed on from your grandmother of selecting beautiful covers that spoke to you. Where did this come from and what does the tradition mean to you?
Great Question! So this tradition came from the fact that my grandmother (and heritage) was born and raised in Jamaica, and while she was fortunate enough to go to school and then come to England to study to be a nurse, her mother -my Great-Grandmother (born in 1915) - had not been fortunate enough to have an education of any sort, and she could not read or write.
So when she found one of her 8 children became obsessed with books, she began going to book drives at the church to look for ones she could afford. But, too proud to admit to anyone she couldn't read what a book was called, she would always look for the most intricately designed covers with the most captivating images/colours.
Her theory was that if the book had more colour/imagery on the front, the more important/richer it looked. This then became how she picked out books for everyone, and for my grandma.
My Grandmother came to the UK at 17 and she wanted to keep something alive from her family back home, so whenever she wasn't working she would read and she would always choose a book by it's cover, and it made her think of her mum.
One thing I loved about the fact she did this was that no matter how bad the book would end up being she would read it cover to cover and then make judgement on either how great it was or how much it let her down. This tradition means the world to me, it meant that my grandma kept some of her childhood alive to bring into her own grandchildrens upbringing.
Don't get me wrong while only a couple of us ever really enjoyed or engaged with the tradition, it was always appreciated. It makes me think back and smile. I love the fact that she encouraged reading and interestingly enough she still would say "Child, don't judge this book on it's cover, it may the prettiest outside but the worst inside, and this one, while dark and dreary on the outside is captivating and engaging for reasons you can't explain."
I love this tradition because in short it gave me a love for reading, for books and a passion to continue with something even when it feels difficult.
Q. Tradition remains important for a lot of people, but many don’t know much about the history behind certain choices. How important is passing down these big and small traditions through generations, as a means of not only remembering heritage but specific people / moments in our lives as well?
I think it is one of the most important and precious gifts we can pass on to generations, and in fact to friends as well.
I know when I first passed on the book tradition to you, I cried with longing to tell and show my Grandma that I would keep it alive, but also joy that I could share it with someone and keep this little tradition she thought was silly going. There are so many things from both my grandma's, my grandpa's and especially my parents I am going to insist on continuing, because they were instrumental to me, my childhood and about 99% of the joy I felt in my childhood.
If I can give this to my child or surround future generations with half the amount of LOVE and joy I received from these elders and traditions in my life, then I will be happy and almost peaceful.
Q. When we speak of ‘grief’ these days it often seems to be treated as a very momentary but intense emotion, when the reality is often something much slower and long-lasting. What does the word mean to you?
Grief. Grief. This word...
Anyone that knows me, knows how prominent this is to me at the moment and has been for the last 2/3 years.
What does the word mean to me? The word to me means a weighted Shadow.
I see Grief as this massive weighted shadow that is always there following you around - as a shadow does - and it's weighted because Grief is heavy and when it hits you it really knocks you down. There is no appropriate length of time or moment to grieve, and Grief doesn't care. It is powerful, ruthless, deceiving and oh so fucking destructive. I know right now that I got hit hard last week by it, and it was all because of a simple smell.
Q. How do you think our conversations around and understanding of grief as a society might need to change?
I think people need to be told it's 100% ok to grieve and feel that pain when, how and wherever you need to.
I think as a society because of the way we live and the speed at which life moves you are always told "They’re in a better place", "They wouldn't want you crying", "They had a good life", "Come on, don't waste time being sad" and quite frankly I call bullshit on this all.
Sure it's nice to say, but most of the time when that has been said to me I want to respond with "But why are you trying to force me not to grieve? Why are you almost making me feel bad for feeling grief?" and that is what needs to stop.
The other major thing that needs to stop is the thought that grief has an expiration date. It doesn't, it never has and it never will.
Q. What - on the topic of books and book covers - does the power of storytelling mean to you?
Storytelling - and GOOD storytelling - is important. I think some of my favourite things to do are (and were) listen to my nana (my other grandma) tell me stories from her life, because it gave me inspiration. To listen to my dad regale stories of his youth and dinner parties he and my mum attended, because they always have me in stitches and bring joy to the darkest of moments. And also to lose myself in a good book, because for that one minute the outside world, those horrors, that grief, it doesn't exist.
Q. Favourite cover that’s matched the emotion when reading the book?
This is so difficult for me as I have read SO many books, and trying to pick just one favourite is… Difficult. I think - and this is just me choosing from my recent/current reads - a book called 'My Lovely Wife'. Again, I chose it because of the cover… It had intrigued and enticed me all at once. This book did not disappoint, in fact I then bought the book for 4 other people I know because the rollercoaster it took me on was too much not to share with people.
Q. Biggest cover fail (not matching the content of the book)?
So unfortunately this is also from a recent… In fact the last book I finished, called "My sister the serial killer". The title has it all, the book has it all and yet, the cover I felt let it down. Don't get me wrong, I chose it because of the cover and how bold it was, but when I got to about half way through, and again when I finished it, I closed the book, looked at the cover and felt myself a bit confused and let down that the cover didn't portray how great this book really was.
When you glance at your bookshelf what is the story you hope it tells about you?
This one is interesting, as quite a few of my favourite books are currently in storage, but if I close my eyes and add them to my current bookshelf I want someone to look at it and think "My goodness she reads a lot of books and cherishes them, but she's also not afraid of reading things that might be out of her comfort zone and learning about new things even in her late twenties".
Words courtesy of the lovely ‘M’ who preferred to remain anonymous for this post.
What does your bookshelf say about you? And what are some of your favourite traditions from childhood that you have either continued, passed on or might consider picking up again?
And if you are struggling, please consider reaching out for help or visiting some of the below resources:
February 4, 2021